It bugs me as well. Why do I write? What is the reason for me to make up stories? What is the reason to share stories? Am I wasting time? Don’t we have enough stories in the world? I do realise these questions are in my head because of how opportunities have denied me a chance to share: an access with the public domain. I have never met any creator that does not what some kind of reward for their creations and if I did I would have loved to have a lengthy conversation with them.

The past four months I had rejection mails only. Kwaze kwababa upelepele guys. I had rejection mails after the other. So to say, I don’t look forward to refreshing my mails. Ngoba ngiyazi. Nothing I have applied would have been good enough.

How does one come back by force from being told that they are not enough?

In all honesty, rejection is not an issue but lack of not knowing why you have been rejected- is an issue. I mean I think of the work I have put in submitting that written work, turns out to be disregarded. Tjonna! Ma we!!

This reminds me of an email I received a month ago. It was a list of people who have been selected. So with eager I search for my face and surprisingly enough it was not there. Why then send me the link of selected people if my name was not there? You want me to guess that my face is not there- How about you save me the trouble and juuust tell me I was not selected because of this and that!

I always said I will not compete with my art/creations but it deems hard when everything around you is a competition. I’m slowly hating the idea of proving that you are worth it. Proving that you deserve not a chance but chances. Having said all of this, I have learnt that these words have been written on a page. Someone has said this somewhere. You have heard about this cry of feeling not worthy. Of someone who has been left below the chain. Someone who has been disregarded and forgotten most probably wrote the same sentiments, the same negative dispersions.

Here is what these mails do to me… they pull me away from believing my destination as a writer. Every time I get a rejection feels like I ‘m sealing my soul to failure… But interestingly these mails shift my focus from seeking validation. Writing makes me feel good. Even if no one ever reads this post. I careless about it. Because it feels good creating and storing. Seeking validation makes me bitter and unhappy. When I focus on the spiralling of refutation, I don’t write, I don’t dream. I forget. I forget me. Self

When I was a girl writing stories whether it were plays, or poetry, or songs. I wrote for me, from pain, from needing escapism. I never written anything thinking I wanted to be published. Gosh!!! No! never… as a brown kid growing up in galvanised roofs, and wooded walls in the township. I didn’t know the world of publishing existed or whether such thing as writing was significant to be a career. I just loved the feeling of safety, feeling of healing, feeling of joy. This meant that I could face another day as long as I’ve written. Thinking of it there was no email in primary school, highshool or even university. Well I had other problems like non- existing boyfriends. But I had solutions, I wrote.

I write for me I have been called to tell stories. There are many reason I can state to sound more profound but truth is – I write because it makes me happy. I have been wrapped up on the idea that I want the share my happiness with the world. I think maybe the world is not ready for my writing. But that should not stop me from writing. Yes, I am thrown in the bin quite a lot. But every story, play, song I create brings joy. I am happy and that’s it. (Like listen) I am tired of wasting time in figuring out why I am thrown in the bin. It’s time I use my time in the bin wisely, reshuffle squashed papers and continue writing. My energy will be about me being continuous. I should feel like a winner every time a new story comes in shape or form. That is my goal . New stories win time and energy. Worrying about what if they don’t accept my stories that is a week’s old stew.

In all fairness. When you are rejected, this means someone else is shining and getting their time. It means it is someone’s time not yours nor mine. However, I do think the world is being prepared for this greatness. Yonke into ihamba ngesikhathi. Uma kungokwakho kuzoyenzeka. Kodwa ungakulindi. Qhubeka wenze odume ngazo. I just have to focus on my journey, on my path and never get distracted by anyone’s journey and success. Keep answering my call each story at the time.