There is so much freedom that comes with knowing what bothers and hurts you, that is the first step to either find a quick solution or a longer route to healing. I had an out of body experience, when I saw myself eating chateaux gato cakes, caramel cake, so moist right! I did that everyday of a month, I suddenly felt my body changing with every crave and bite, and the thing is eating that cake made me feel beautiful and alive, that feeling instantly disappears when the cake is finished.

I knew, my body and spirit will take a hit, from this. Then I made a choice to do another Keto diet, but this time this decision was not about really making it be about lifestyle but it was about wanted loosing few kilos. I knew within two weeks I will feel energised and would have lost four kilos of water. Then I can breath better, the gratification of feeling beautiful in my own skin would suddenly reappear, and then we continue with my life. While we continuing with life; I decided to join a gym, this gym has a ladies section, where man are not permitted to enter. I got a tour and the lady that was helping me understood my issues with certain group of people so it was pivotal that I only see my self in this section where I won’t feel goggled.

This was March 2022 and today it is October 2022, and each month I did plan to go. I told my partner that he must drive me, I took out my gym clothes, water my bottle with lemon and cucumber and charge my headphones, and phone, set my alarm. When morning rises from its long sleep, I sit up, almost like simultenously fear sits on my chest, and my brain circulates images of me failing, the unfamiliarity, and strange encounters and my brain works speedily, faster than my presence.

The alarm continues ringing, followed by sounds of sneers when I make a mistake in the gym. My brain so magical; the fact that for that nano second it has transported me back to the gym, and by that moment I’m distraught and feeling alone yet again. When I I imagine myself, to request an uber; the uber is no where to be seen, now I would be stuck in a place that is not home. With embarrassments floating or queuing behind me waiting to leave with me.

Like a plug I snap back to my bedroom, still in that nano second I turned to my husband and said ‘I’m not going to the gym.’ He nodded understandably. March-October is what I have been dealing with. However before this morning as I write this I walked our dog, while crying because I felt like I was putting my life at risk by not fulfilling what I know this body needed, my dog pulled me and I believe he heard me cry, he stopped walking, and moved closer to my leg, as if to say, cry, I’ll be your shoulder with fur though.

I thought I could beat my anxiety, by truly giving my self, letting my needs and wishes known to friends and family, asking for help whenever needed, which all of them never judged me. So last night, I had told my partner that I planned to go to gym, prior that moment, I had a conversation with myself in the mirror, truth bursting honesty, and ugly cry kinder conversation.

I saw myself looking at my self, and seeing fearing like virus in my eye balls, lips trembled as I spoke to self on that mirror. Looked at my shoulders, and tattoos, striped dress with bra and as my voice pitch rose, my eyes looked at my hair’s movement with cowrie shells dangling for dear life. I wanted to shock my self and feel how it could be when I’m not taking care of self as I should. I have access, and and possibilities, that way I’m grateful that I can afford to be healthy the way I wanted. I had never ever spoke to my self that way, it was hard core conversation, afterwards, felt so much lighter and I smiled the whole day… my writing and researching went well, confident that I may have conquered my anxiety, that led me to tell my partner letting him know that I have decided to go the gym.

But when I’d woken up, it was like my heart pounded out of my skin or trying too; a nightmare woke me up, it was horrid and so real. I reached out to my partner trembling in his embrace as he managed to calm me down, but the silence of sound, does not mean, I was fine, the regulation of breath did not mean I was fine because that same nightmare has situated itself in my head, finding my sensitive spot to linger longer.

Now, I was consumed with the feeling of not wanting to go out, because if I did… something horrible would happen to the ones I loved. I caved, turned to my partner and said ‘I’m not going to the gym.’

These different ups and downs are exhausting and it feels like I have many persons in my head with louding voices, and constantly giving one another chances to sleep and feel differently as they would wake up, and when that one person sleeps; another one with their own feelings wakes up too. Sometimes, these persons would dislike my hair, and want me to be bald, then another one would want me to have dreadlocks, then another would demand a cake and another wants green juice… from Woolworths all in this one body, they tend to own my body, using my body as an archival of beings that I may not know.

I think what also burdens me is wanting my partner to understand, wanting solutions from him, to carry my burdens, wanting everybody to have a clue what would be wrong with me, without judging but I think I’m failing to understand myself, so I’m relying on others but the truth is which it’s the side of the coin; tears do not lie, choking and gasping for breath is not a lie, feeling of sadness in all shades is real, images clear as day ceasing this body is all real to me.

While writing this I already had broken down twice, while inhaling incense, and smelling lemon grass candles with lavender and sounds of Ariel Zamosky, Nonku Phiri, Gontse Makhene, Malcom Jiyane. As I breathe in.

Breathe… Breathe…